Bakura the Psycho
by Bardess Akila
Summary: A story about psychotic little Bakura and how Ryou deals with it all. Rated PG-13 for language and possibly some violence later on. And stuff. READ AN REVIEW! :D
1. The Mouse

**I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, nor do I own any of the characters (I wish I did), and yeah... but I HAVE seen all the dubbed episodes. :D This is my first fanfic ever, really, and since I'm such a funny person, I decided to try my hand at a humor fic. No yaoi, sorry. If you want that go read my other fic. :P ^^ There MIGHT be a little romance between some of the characters in future.  
  
It was 6AM, and Ryou's alarm clock was going off. He grumbled, rolling out of bed and turning the alarm clock off. 'Ugh... I didn't get any sleep last night...' he thought to himself, yawning. Once out of bed, Ryou stretched, and walked over to the futon mattress in the corner of his room to wake his Yami... but Bakura wasn't there. 'Where could that idiot be? We'll be late for school if he doesnt--' Ryou's thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash from the kitchen. He groaned. 'Not again...' Ryou ran quickly into the kitchen, only to find pots and pans everywhere, and Bakura sitting on the counter smirking, holding a mouse by it's tail.  
  
"Bakura... what... happened?"  
  
"The little sucker was taunting me... sniffing at me... so I decided to get 'im. Stupid mouse thought he could outsmart me by running into the cupboard." Bakura cackled, pointing to one of the cupboards closer to the ground. Ryou groaned again.  
  
"You chased him... into the cupboard?"  
  
"Didn't have to. Got him before that."  
  
"Then why the hell is there such a mess in the kitchen?!"  
  
"Calm down, fairy boy. After I caught the mouse I... er... slipped and fell."  
  
"You... y- HAHAHA!"  
  
"SHUT UP, FAIRY."  
  
"Stop calling me that!" Ryou yelled angrily. Bakura smirked again, and stuck his tongue out at Ryou.  
  
"Betcha can't make me... fairy boy!" Bakura laughed, dropped the (now dead) mouse, and fell off the counter. "OW! Stupid... counter..." It was Ryou's turn to smirk now.  
  
"If you weren't such an idiot and you payed attention to your surroundings once in a while, you might not fall so often. Heh, and is 'fairy boy' really the best you can come up with?"  
  
"Well, I can't call you an idiot, because that'd be insulting stupid people."  
  
"You... ARGH. I'm not gonna take anymore of this crap. I'm going to get ready for school, and you'd better do the same if you wanna get there on time. You've gotten into trouble FIVE TIMES already, and it's only the second week of school!"  
  
"Fiiiine, mister goodie two-shoes."  
  
"Call me whatever you want, Bakura, but it's not gonna help your grades." Bakura glared at Ryou for saying this, and picked the mouse up from the floor, stroking it lightly.  
  
"Poor little mousy... did I scare you...? WAHAHAHAHA!" Ryou rolled his eyes and went back into his room to change for school. 'Why does my Yami have to be a psychotic loser. How come Yugi's is normal. Well... as normal as Yami's can be, and just because Malik's Yami is an insane killer... well... I suppose mine could be worse, but at least Malik's doesn't talk to dead mice...' As Ryou was changing, he noticed small writings on the wall near Bakura's futon. He walked over to it and sighed. 'Not again... he's been drawing on the walls again. The idiot... Ugh. I'll wash it off later.' Ryou thought to himself as he buttoned his shirt. Back into the kitchen Ryou went, to get some breakfast. Ryou then proceeded to sit down... but felt something bumpy on his seat. He got up to look and...  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH! DAMNIT BAKURA! GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!"  
  
"Yes, dearest Ryou? You called?" Bakura smirked, walking slowly into the room.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"  
  
"Watch your language, Ryou, darling. What was what for?"  
  
"THE FUCKING MOUSE IN MY SEAT. You IDIOT. How many times have I TOLD you, NO DEAD ANIMALS IN THE HOUSE! Get it OUT, right NOW!" Bakura sniffed unhappily.  
  
"Yes, master."  
  
"AND STOP CALLING ME THAT, DAMNIT!" Bakura glared at Ryou, and took his mouse outside. "I can't BELIEVE that idiot would do something like this..." Ryou said to himself, making sure there was no more dead animals near his seat. He then proceeded to eat (he must be hungry... I wouldn't be able to eat after sitting on a dead mouse). Bakura came back in, dressed, and ate with Ryou, staring at him in an oh-so-suspicious way.  
  
"What are you planning now."  
  
"Nothing, dearest Ryou."  
  
"Damn. And you call ME a fairy."  
  
"Hmph. I was just trying to be nice."  
  
"Shut up. Leave me alone." Bakura sniffed again.  
  
"Fine. Be that way. I won't talk to you ever again."  
  
"Good. It's better that way. Stupid psychotic mouse boy."  
  
WHOO I'm just gonna leave it there for now because I feel like it. I *DO* hope you liked it. :D ^^ Bakura-sama is so wonderful. ^^; Read and Review please. :D Flame if you want, I don't really care. Just tell me what you think. I'll obviously be continuing this. Because I get bored easily and I'm absolutely insane. JUST LIKE BAKURA! :D *fwee* Hope ya like. ^^ 


	2. Stick Figures in Crayon

**Chappie two is up! Wheeeeeeeee! :D ^.~ I hope ya liked the first chapter. It was a bit... weird. Kinda like me! :D Whee, again, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! or any of the characters, blahdy blah blah. Alright! Onto the story!  
  
Stick Figures in Crayon  
  
-------------------------------  
  
It was lunchtime. Finally Ryou got to spend some time with some NORMAL people, unlike that darned Yami of his (who, by the way, was checking out the ladies at a table not far from his). Yugi smiled and tapped Ryou on the shoulder before sitting down.  
  
"Hey Ryou! What's up? You look irritated."  
  
"Irritated doesn't even begin to describe my mood, Yugi." Ryou sighed, glancing towards Bakura unhappily. Yugi caught on quickly and frowned.  
  
"What did he do this time, Ryou?"  
  
"Oh, nothing physically harmful. To me at least."  
  
"Uh... don't tell me. Dead animal, in your seat?"  
  
"Second time this week, Yugi. Then he had this weirdo turtle made out of popsicle sticks that he put right by my face so that I saw it when I woke up last week. It was painted bright neon colors. You can imagine my surprise when I saw it. Fell out of bed. Literally. Right on top of the 'trap' he set for me."  
  
"...trap? Uh... nevermind, Ryou, I don't wanna know."  
  
"Good. Because I'm not about to tell you." Bakura took it upon himself to greet Yugi at that moment.  
  
"Helloooo, Yugi-boy."  
  
"Stop that, Bakura. You're creeping me out." Bakura grinned and patted Yugi on the shoulder. "I said stop that, Bakura!"  
  
"Fiiine, Yugi-boy."  
  
"STOP IT." Yugi yelled irritably.  
  
"Fine." Bakura said hotly, sitting on the opposite side of Ryou. "Mind if I..."  
  
"Just take the food and get away from me."  
  
"But Ryou... I love you. How come you're treating me like this. Ryou, I thought you said I was special to you."  
  
Yugi raised his eyebrow at this, but immediately lowered it again when he saw the look on Ryou's face.  
  
"Bakura?"  
  
"Yes, Ryou?"  
  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"  
  
"I wouldn't talk to me like that, Ryou. You know what I'm capable of." Bakura smirked and tapped his fingernails on top of the lunch table. At that moment Jounouchi (Joey) approached with Honda (Tristan) and Anzu (Tea). Bakura laughed and touched Jo's arm softly as he stopped near Bakura.  
  
"My dear Jo... how are you?"  
  
"Bakura. You're creeping me out." Bakura laughed maniacally.  
  
"That's the whole point, blockhead." Bakura smirked, stood up, and walked away, stalking Malik now. Jo sat next to Ryou and eyed him sympathetically, while Anzu and Honda sat at the opposite side of the table.  
  
"Ryou... man, your Yami is PSYCHO, dude."  
  
"You think I don't know that, Jo?"  
  
"Sorry... I was just..."  
  
"Stating the obvious?" Bakura appeared behind Jo once again. Jo jumped and scooted away from Bakura. Bakura sat down and stared at Ryou's plate. Ryou noticed and shoved it towards him.  
  
"Just... take it."  
  
Lunch was obviously very long, but afterwords, Yugi and the gang met Ryou, Bakura, and Malik outside of Domino High.  
  
"Hey, Ryou... I was wondering if you were busy tonight?" Yugi asked with a smile on his face. Even though Bakura and Malik were holding a very important conversation, Bakura was listening to Yugi as he spoke. Malik smirked and Bakura started laughing again.  
  
"Oh Yugi, I didn't know you felt that way about my hikari!"  
  
"Shut up Bakura, I'm just asking if he wants to go to a party tonight... only we need a place to host it..." Ryou smiled and offered to have the party at his house. 'It'd give me something to do, at least, and Bakura and Malik could just stay up in the bedroom plotting the destruction of the world or something, like they always do.' "Alright! Thanks Ryou! We'll be there at 7PM!"  
  
"Who's all coming?" Ryou asked.  
  
"Uhm... me, Jo, Anzu, Otogi (Duke Devlin), Honda, Malik, Miho, Serenity, Seto and Mokuba..."  
  
"Seto and Mokuba?!" Jo yelled, spitting out the soda he was drinking.  
  
"Erm... yes, well, you see, Seto was looking awfully lonely today in math, so I just... asked him... and he said he had nothing better to do so..."  
  
"YUGI! Why the hell did you do that? You know Seto hates us!"  
  
"Yeah... but..." Bakura smirked and started playfully teasing Yugi and Jo in a sing-song voice.  
  
"Is Jo getting jealous because little Yugi-boy has feelings for his dearest Seto-sama?"  
  
"Bakura. Do us all a favor and go die."  
  
"Yes master." Malik grinned, started walking home, and gestured for Bakura to follow. "Well, dearest Ryou, I shall see you at the party tonight... but until then, goodbye!"  
  
"Yeah, just shut up and go..."  
  
***Later that night, 7:25PM***  
  
Mai had turned up at the party, as well as Isis Ishtar, and to Jo's dismay, Bandit Keith (who the hell invited HIM, anyway) and Rex Raptor. Thankfully, though, no Weevil (aww, we all know he's cute, but it'd just be weird to have HIM here, too). Bakura was sitting in a corner, discussing issues with Malik and glancing suspiciously from guest to guest. Jo was hitting on Mai, and Isis was lecturing Yugi and Yami Yugi on the proper use of their Millenium Artifact. Honda was sitting on a couch with Serenity, and the rest of the people were just wandering about the livingroom with nothing interesting to do. Bakura decided he had discussed his plans to dominate the world thoroughly enough with Malik, and decided to go back to his old hobby of drawing rather violent images of his enemies on the wall with crayons. Preferrably red crayons. He had a whole drawer in his desk dedicated to red crayons. Every shade of red, from dark crimson to light-red, almost pink (but no pink, pink is too girly for our dearest Bakura). Malik watched Bakura scribble on the wall in the livingroom, semi-entertained but too bored to really care much. Ryou noticed Bakura drawing on the walls and ran over to him.  
  
"Bakura... what are you doing."  
  
"Drawing." said Bakura shortly, the tip of his tongue sticking out of his mouth at angle as he concentrated.  
  
"Yes... but WHY are you drawing on the WALLS? The ones I just CLEANED?"  
  
"Because you just cleaned them, and because they're so dull. They need a little spiffying-up."  
  
"Mokuba is here, and you're drawing pictures of the pharoah dead with daggers sticking out of him?"  
  
"Yep. Hey, where is Mokuba, anyway? I want to show him..."  
  
"Ohhh no you don't, Bakura. You just... sit here and draw, okay? Leave the NORMAL guests alone." Bakura looked slightly disappointed, but recovered almost instantly, going back to his purdiful picture of the pharoah.  
  
"Pass me that red one there, Malik."  
  
"Eh? This one?" Malik said, picking up a rather bright red crayon.  
  
"Yep! That one! Thanks!" piped Bakura, taking the red crayon from Malik.  
  
Ryou rolled his eyes at Bakura, sighed, and walked away.  
  
It was well into the night, about 1AM or so, when the guests started to leave. Seto and Mokuba left first, closely followed by Otogi Ryuuji, Jounouchi and Serenity, and then Mai. The rest of the gang stayed at the party, and decided, because of lack of better entertainment, to watch Bakura draw on the wall.  
  
"Wow, Bakura, that's a good drawing! What's it supposed to be?" asked Anzu. Bakura grinned and pointed to the Pharoah.  
  
"Him."  
  
"Oh..." said Anzu. "But... Yami doesn't wear make-up..." Bakura and Malik looked at eachother briefly, and then practically killed themselves laughing. "What's so funny, guys?" Anzu asked.  
  
"That's..." Bakura smiled and tried to stop himself from laughing. "That's... that's not... make-up..."  
  
"Oh. What is it then?" Anzu asked. Ryou turned red and mumbled something about playing a board game and how it wasn't really important what Bakura was drawing. Malik was still laughing like a maniac, while Bakura returned to his beautiful mural, while the rest of the group played Risk. It was now going on 3AM, when Ryou suggested that they stay the night, since it would seem strange to arrive home at three in the morning. The gang happily accepted, and Ryou went to his room to gather bedding for the crew.  
  
"Bakura. Come help me." Ryou yelled from the hall closet. Bakura sighed, put down his crayon, and went to help. They got the beds set up, and then everyone went to sleep (excluding Bakura and Malik). They exchanged evil grins... oh dear, what could those two possibly be getting into?  
  
:D w00t. 2nd chappie done. Not as good as the first one, but eh... it still depicts the absolute craziness of our dear Bakura! Note: Bakura is NOT gay. He just likes creeping people out. :D Er, no offense to people who... er... prefer the same gender... but I just don't like it in my fanfics. o_o; ^^ Anyway, R&R, do whatever. Yeah. 


	3. Permanent Marker

** WHOO. Chappie 3. Alright. :D All in one day, too. DANG am I bored or WHAT. Yeah, now for the boring part. I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! or any of the characters, blah blah blah. Now! Onto the story! Whee! Isn't this story absolutely the most STUPIDEST thing you've ever read? :D I AM bored. o_O;  
  
Chapter Three: Permanent Marker!  
  
The group was sleeping, all except for the evil Malik and Bakura...  
  
"Heh... now, Malik, let us put plan A into action!" Bakura whispered, cackling softly as he did so (wow, Bakura can cackle and talk at the SAME time! Talk about talented).  
  
"And if plan A fails?" Malik whispered inquiringly.  
  
"It won't. Now shut up and grab a marker."  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"Any one. I don't care. But the red one is mine."  
  
"I thought you said you didn't care which one I picked. I want the red one."  
  
"No. I claimed it. The red one is MINE."  
  
"But--"  
  
"Shut up. Take the blue one, Malik."  
  
"I don't like blue. I want the purple one."  
  
"Then take the PURPLE one. Sheesh."  
  
"But what if the purple one doesn't work correctly?" Bakura stared at Malik for a while, then changed his tone to that of a caring mother's, sickeningly sweet, yet firm.  
  
"Then, my dear Malik, you will use the black one, and if THAT one doesn't work, you will sit in the corner and finish my mural."  
  
"Okay!" said Malik, grabbing a purple marker. "Uh... Bakura?"  
  
"Yes, Malik?"  
  
"What do we do now?"  
  
"We... wha... what do you mean 'what do we do now'? I've TOLD you, TWICE."  
  
"I mean... which people am I assigned to?"  
  
"The easy ones."  
  
"Who are they?"  
  
"Oh shut up and just draw on whoever you want to."  
  
"What do I draw?" Bakura was REALLY irritated at Malik's stupidity, and he would hit him, if it wasn't so crucial that they finish this task perfectly... and to do so, they would need ultimate silence. Well, enough silence not to wake their victims. Bakura sighed, and decided to explain it all slowly to Malik again, since he was stupid and all.  
  
"Alright. You take the marker, and you take the cap--"  
  
"I know that part."  
  
"Shut up and let me finish."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"You take the marker, take the cap off, and scribble on your victims' face. YOUR first victim will be Yugi, and mine will be Yami, then I'll go to Honda, and you'll go to Jounouchi, and then you draw on ANZU'S face, and then I'll do Ryou while you do that. Kay?  
  
"Okay!"  
  
"So you understand that?"  
  
"Not really but I'll try my best not to screw anything up!"  
  
"Ugh. Alright." Bakura rolled his eyes and uncapped his marker, tip-toeing up to Yami, while Malik casually skipped up to Yugi and started drawing purple flowers on his cheeks. Bakura grinned as he did his work. As much fun as he was having now, he couldn't wait until it was time to get Ryou. About halfway through Honda and Jounouchi, Malik felt the urge to sneeze, and Bakura sensed something was wrong. He looked over at Malik, who was trying his best not to let the urge get the better of him. Bakura decided that now would be a good time to abandon his idea and let Malik take all the blame when everyone woke up. "Well, that was fun Malik, have fun with your little sneeze. I'm feeling tired now. Goodnight!" Bakura smiled and went into Ryou's room to work on him, because Ryou wasn't able to hear Malik sneeze over his snoring. His really LOUD snoring.  
  
"My gosh. Who would've ever thought... my Ryou." Bakura snickered. Malik had sneezed by now, and Bakura wondered why nobody was awakened. He had heard it, even over Ryou's snores (is that even possible?). He was now done with his masterpiece. Bakura drew pretty red dots (that were SUPPOSED to be eyes, but looked more like... well... I don't know) under Ryou's eyes, and a gigantic penguin (with a bunny tail) on his forehead, with the addition of what, in Bakura's opinion, was an absolutely amazing picture of a cat on his left cheek. With its head cut off... and a chainsaw in its hand. Bakura was finally satisfied with his picture, and decided not to go back out and check on Malik (who was now sleeping), but to go straight to bed. He didn't get much sleep, though, considering it was around 6 AM when he finished, and the markers he used were permanent, aaaand that Ryou was VERY unhappy with him.  
  
"BAKURA!! GET. OUT. HERE!" Ryou yelled from the livingroom, trying to get the marks off of his face. Bakura woke up (very irritatedly, might I add), and stomped out to where Ryou was calling him.  
  
"What."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?" Ryou yelled again, pointing to his (highly embarrassed... woah, Malik did a good job) guests.  
  
"Hmm... Did a good job, didn't we, Malik?" Bakura asked.  
  
"Yep. Very good job. I like the penguin!"  
  
"Thank you, Malik."  
  
"Bakura. How do we get this off?"  
  
"It comes off. After about a week. It's permanent marker, you idiot, you can't just take it off."  
  
"Why. the. hell. did. you. use. PERMANENT. MARKER?!"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Bakura laughed. "To make you suffer. You've been so mean to your poor Yami lately. I've been feeling neglected and abused." Bakura frowned. Ryou was stupider than he thought. Did nobody understand (except Malik... well, Malik doesn't count, because we're not really sure if he DOES understand)?  
  
"And why the hell do you think I've been mean to you? You've been late to school, causing ME to be late with you, since I get my ride from you, you've put a dead squirrel in my cup of coffee last week, and I didn't notice until I was DONE, and THEN you put a dead MOUSE in my CHAIR. Why. The. Fuck. Do. You. Think. I've. Been. MEAN TO YOU?!"  
  
"Because you're a cold-hearted, stupid little boy with no respect for anyone else?"  
  
"That's it, Bakura. I'm getting you a shrink. I can't take it any longer, I don't know what to do with you, I can't handle you anymore! ARGH! I think I'LL need a shrink after this." Bakura gasped.  
  
"WHAT?! No... not... I... heh. Is it gonna be a girl?" Bakura winked and smiled.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
**Sunday, because the day previous had been Saturday**  
  
Ryou had gotten the markings off of his guests' faces (somehow) and his own, and had scheduled a meeting with a shrink for Bakura on Tuesday. Ryou knew it was going to be a long day of torturing from Bakura, but it would be worth it, that meeting on Tuesday was all worth it... Bakura seemed to be lonely and angry lately (*AHEM* SEEMED to be. Someone who is constantly plotting things with his stuffed animals and crayons can't be TOO lonely, y'know? He's got SOME company, afterall, and NO, his imaginary friend Bob doesn't count)... Ryou wondered if he was going too hard on Bakura... then he laughed. 'Yeah. Right. That's what he WANTS me to think, the scheming little bastard.' Ryou walked into his room to rest, because he had gotten hardly any sleep last night, seeing as how Bakura wouldn't let him sleep, because EACH time he had ALMOST fallen asleep, Bakura would come and tickle his nose with a feather. A really BIG feather. Bakura smirked (he does that a lot, doesn't he? I need a thesaurus) once Ryou had left the room, and continued on with his plot.  
  
**WHOO. End of chapter... NO, I won't tell you what his plot is. Not until he's finished with it. I need to add an element of surprise and mystery and suspense into this story... or some really annoyed people, whichever, doesn't matter to me. :D Read and Review, and give me ideas for upcoming chapters. It may seem hard to believe, but I'm running out of ideas. Maybe school (which is coming up THIS Tuesday, by the way, which means I will be able to write less than three chapters in one day) will give me some inspiration. Or something. Hah. Yeah right. Keep wishin', girly (talking about self). :P ANYWAY, I know this chapter SUCKED, but I needed to introduce the shrink SOMEWHERE... and sorry for all you Malik fans for making him seem stupid. The story would've been so boring without him, your dearest bishounen's brain is a small cost for a decent (well, this is more like a borderline pathetic) fanfic. :D I promise I'll make up for it in one of the next chapters. ^.~ 


	4. Monday

**ALRIGHT. Boring stuff first: I do not own YuGiOh nor do I own any of the characters, blah blah blah. Um. Okay. I was having like... writers block, I couldn't think up a good idea, then I chatted with my friend a bit on AIM... and then I figured out this totally cool plot for a new chapter, involving, of course, a new addition. Our shrink! :D I've had fun writing the first three chapters (I thought the last two were totally pathetic, and I got the idea of a squirrel in the cup from one of my reviewers -- thank you!), so if you actually LIKED chapters 2 and 3, tell me so I don't feel like an idiot for writing totally stupid chapters. :D Long chapter coming up. ^.~ Including the beginning of a romance between Malik and some girl. :D Whoo! She's a brand new girl I made up, by the way. Not like... Anzu or Serenity or anything. :P *Hates Anzu*  
  
Chapter Four: Monday  
  
This day started the same as all others -- Bakura refused to wake up, making both of them late, and landing them both a pretty pink detention slip.  
  
"Bakura... please wake up on time tomorrow. PLEASE."  
  
"You need to learn to be more assertive. I must teach you some time that 'please' doesn't always work when trying to get something you REALLY want. Such as my awakening at six in-the-morning."  
  
"I don't need assertiveness, I need you to wake up."  
  
"I'll wake up if you make me coffee."  
  
"You never like the coffee I make."  
  
"Well it's not MY fault you're incompetent... and by the way, if we don't run, we're going to be late for math."  
  
"ARGH!" growled Ryou as he ran. Bakura watched in amazement.  
  
"I didn't know he could run THAT fast." He said to himself as he jogged to catch up.  
  
"No running in the halls!" A teacher yelled after them. They ignored her, and ended up being late for math despite all the running. It was lunch time now, and Ryou and Bakura were finally getting along and talking with eachother happily. Plotting the death of their math teacher.  
  
"That jerk. All he ever does is yell... I just wanna strangle him."  
  
"Choking is a good way to get rid of your enemy, but personally, I prefer making them suffer for eternity."  
  
"You're crazy. That means they're still there to be mean to you."  
  
"Not if you're torturing them, and even if they are mean to you, it doesn't really matter, you get to torture them."  
  
"Good point, Bakura."  
  
"I'm good at this kind of stuff."  
  
"I know. So. How do we get rid of him?" Ryou asked with an evil grin on his face (like this: D). Upon hearing this, Bakura spit out the soda he was drinking.  
  
"You... want to get rid of... him? Haha, maybe I was wrong, calling you a pansy. But you do realize that you're going to have to do the dirty work. I only help with plotting. Unless it involves the Pharoah."  
  
"Yami likes the math teacher."  
  
"We'll kill them both!"  
  
"Uh... I thought you said you liked torturing better?"  
  
"Oh. That's right. Well, we'll torture the math teacher, but kill Pharoah. After torturing him."  
  
"Yeah, whatever, I'm only interested in the eternal suffering of Mr. Hichino."  
  
"Right! So then we'll strap him to a table and--"  
  
"Don't finish that sentence. How about we just prod him with something sharp like..."  
  
"Like a cattle prod?"  
  
"Perfect!"  
  
"I have some in the basement."  
  
"You... where.... where'd you get them?"  
  
"Stoll 'em."  
  
"Figures."  
  
"Yep. I've been DYING to try them on someone, but I knew you'd kick me out if I poked you with them."  
  
"Heh. So you'll threaten me with knives but you won't poke me with cattle prods."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You're strange."  
  
"Hey guys, what's going on?" Yugi asked, sitting down.  
  
"Oh nothing, Yugi, just plotting our math teacher's demise." Ryou answered.  
  
"And the death of your Yami after months of endless and merciless torturing." Bakura added.  
  
"Uh. Okay... you guys do that. Jou, Anzu, Honda and I are going to the arcade tonight. We were wondering if you wanted to come, Ryou. Bakura can come too, if he wants."  
  
"It's okay, Yugi, I know you're just doing this to make me feel better because my Yami is suffering from psychosis."  
  
"At least it's not paranoia, pansy." Bakura sneered.  
  
"Shut up, Bakura."  
  
"Well, if you really don't wanna..."  
  
"Okay, I'll go. You wanna go, Bakura?"  
  
"Is Malik going?"  
  
"Uhm... well... he can... but please don't draw on our faces again." Yugi said.  
  
"How the hell am I going to draw on your face if you're not sleeping. Oh... Yugi... you don't SLEEP there, do you? I mean, we already know you spend all your time there when not in school, but I thought you slept at the Game Shop."  
  
"We live ABOVE the Game Shop, Bakura, and no... I don't sleep at the arcade. Just don't bring markers."  
  
"Can I bring crayons?"  
  
"If you don't use them to draw on people." Yugi said worriedly.  
  
"OR the walls." Ryou added quickly.  
  
"That's no fun. Can I bring a knife?"  
  
"NO!" Yugi and Ryou yelled in unison.  
  
"Fine. Cattle prod then? Pepper spray? Hand gun?"  
  
"No, no, NO." Ryou sighed. "Well... maybe pepper spray, but only as long as you don't use it on anyone save yourself."  
  
"Why the hell would I spray myself with pepper spray?"  
  
"Because you're crazy."  
  
"Do I still have to go to the shrink?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Is it a girl?"  
  
"Yes. Either that or a transexual."  
  
"Eh, either way I'll have fun with 'em."  
  
"You're sick."  
  
"Not like that. You're the perverted one."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Fine." Bakura stuck his tongue out at Ryou, and then spotted Malik, so he decided to invite him to the arcade. The pair walked around harrassing girls.  
  
**Bakura and Malik**  
  
"Hey cutie. You goin' anywhere tonight?" Bakura asked suavely. With a wink. The girl giggled.  
  
"I'm... I'm dating someone already."  
  
"He can't be too important if he's letting me hit on you." She giggled again and blushed.  
  
"He's not here today." Upon hearing the girl say this, Bakura gasped.  
  
"He doesn't deserve someone like you if he can't even make it to school to swoon over you and stare at your beautiful body." She giggled yet again.  
  
"He's a great boy though. He buys me flowers and chocolates and he gave me this really cute teddy bear on my birthday. It says 'I love you' on the tummy."  
  
"I would've gotten you a diamond ring." She smiled when Bakura told her this.  
  
"Now, I know you can't afford something like that."  
  
"Who needs money when you can just steal stuff." The other girls hanging around Bakura's current victim squealed.  
  
"Oooh, he's one of the bad boys!" One of them said excitedly.  
  
"Not one, m'dear," Bakura said as he grabbed the hand of the girl who had said 'one of the bad boys', and kissed it gently. "The ONLY bad boy..."  
  
"HEY. What about me!" Malik asked hotly.  
  
"Just because you live with a psychotic killer, Malik, doesn't mean you're a bad boy." Bakura said, laughing. "Now, where were we... Oh yes..." Bakura took the girls hand again and kissed it once again. "You're so beautiful... I've never seen anyone like you before." The girls giggled. Bakura didn't realize that Ryou had snuck up on him. Ryou smirked, and put his left hand on Bakura's mouth and his right on his forehead, pulling him backwards. Bakura fell down and Ryou started laughing so hard he could hardly breathe.  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR, RYOU? I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MY 'SEDUCE YOUNGER GIRL' PLOT!" Bakura yelled.  
  
"Th-Tha-That." Ryou said, laughing and pointing at the girl he had been trying to 'seduce'. She stared at Bakura in horror.  
  
"'Seduce Younger Girl'? You... you PIG!" She yelled, stomping away. Bakura got up and ran after her, Malik following closely behind.  
  
"But darling... I feel differently about you, you're not just a fling to me, I've been watching you since I firt came to this school... I love you!" Bakura said quickly. She turned around madly.  
  
"You... liar."  
  
"I am not lying!" Bakura said hotly, trying his hardest to make a 'you hurt me' face.  
  
"You... I'll... I'll get you back!" She said, tears forming in her eyes. Malik walked up beside Bakura, panting. Bakura walked fast... probably got it from Ryou.  
  
"I mean it, darling, I love you."  
  
"I bet you don't even know my name!"  
  
"Of course I do... uh... Sasha...?"  
  
"THAT'S MY SISTER'S NAME, YOU PIG. Don't even THINK of going near her, you... you... I'll get you back!"  
  
"Oh Bakura... what've you done now?" Malik asked, eyeing the girl. Bakura noticed him doing this.  
  
"Don't even think about it, Malik. This one is mine." Bakura growled.  
  
"'This one'? 'THIS ONE'?? BACK OFF!" She yelled, pushing Bakura away from her.  
  
"But my sweet..." Bakura said, and Malik laughed.  
  
"She hates you now, give it up." Malik said.  
  
"Hah! I know JUST the way to get back at you!" The girl yelled, closing in on Malik.  
  
"Wha... you... stay away from him!" Bakura yelled. The girl grabbed the collar of Malik's shirt, pulled him to her, and kissed him (quite aggressively, too). "Malik you... YOU STOLL MY PREY!" Malik broke away quickly, staring at the girl in disbelief.  
  
"I... I didn't do anything... she... she came onto me!"  
  
"PREY!? PREY!? UGH!" She said, she grabbed Malik's collar again, this time dragging him with her. He sent a desperate look to Bakura, and mouthed the words 'help me' to him. Bakura sighed, rolled his eyes, and followed after them. He owed it to Malik, after leaving him alone in the room to take the consequences for drawing on peoples' faces. Nobody really woke up, so he didn't ACTUALLY owe him ANYTHING, but y'know, he was a good ally to have, so yeah.  
  
"Uh... please don't... no. Stop." Malik said, pushing her away.  
  
"I need to get back at him." She said, pushing Malik's hands out of the way, starting to unbutton Malik's outer coat.  
  
"Stop. Don't... don't do that. I don't even know your name, go away. Leave me alone." Malik said, panicking.  
  
"Keilah." She said.  
  
"Oh. Uhm... yeah, please don't... I'm not... I don't even know you." Malik said, rebuttoning his outer coat.  
  
"Come ON." She said, starting over again.  
  
"No. I don't want to."  
  
"Shut up." She said, pinning him against the wall. Bakura walked up slowly and suppressed a laugh when he saw the girl with Malik pinned to the wall, helpless. She got his outer coat off, and then Malik pushed her away, picked up his coat, and stepped away from her.  
  
"I... no... I... go... leave me alone... don't... just... uh... bye." He said, and he ran... straight into Bakura. "You didn't even HELP me!" Malik yelled.  
  
"I couldn't interrupt you... it was too funny."  
  
"You suck." Malik said, panickingly glancing behind him, searching for the girl who had been trying to (in his opinion) kill him.  
  
"She's gone. I saw her walk away, disappointed, after you ran. You hurt her feelings."  
  
"I don't care... she... she's scary."  
  
"Just because she dominated you doesn't mean you need to hate her." Bakura said with a smile.  
  
"I... I like to be in control... with things like this."  
  
"Whatcha guys talkin' bout?" Jou asked. Bakura and Malik jumped, and Jou noticed Malik had his coat off. "What the hell are you... OH MY GOSH. ARE YOU... DID YOU..." Jou dropped his books.  
  
"Eww, no way!" Said Keilah.  
  
"Where the hell did you come from?" Jou asked, picking his books up.  
  
"Over there." She said, pointing.  
  
"Well... what happened then, if they're not... you know..."  
  
"It's... y-you!" Malik yelped, trying to back up but ending up tripping over himself and falling down. Bakura laughed and helped him up.  
  
"She dominated him." Bakura explained.  
  
"Domi-whaa??" Jou asked, clueless as to what Bakura was trying to say.  
  
"She do-mi-na-ted him. Took his shirt off and tried to seduce him. Taught her well, didn't I?" Bakura said.  
  
"I... I LET her do that... she wouldn't have if I didn't... and... I... I have to go!" Malik yelled, running and tripping over himself while doing so.  
  
"Excuse me, my prey is getting away." Keilah said, running after him (with an evil grin on her face, like this: D).  
  
"You guys are whack, man. Totally whack." Jou said, backing up and walking away.  
  
"I've been told that..." Bakura said with a twisted smile on his face.  
  
***End of chappie! Wow that was much longer than I expected. I hope it was good. The er... 'twisted' side of my mind was just begging to be put to use, so yeah. :D I had to end it somewhere... but yeah, I thought this was going to be the 'shrink' chapter, but yeah, I decided it'd be cooler to make a whole chapter dedicated to the day BEFORE the meeting with the shrink. Man, I'm just dying to do that chapter, but I can't do anything more tonight. *sobs* I'll miss writing. I've had a lot of fun with this story and am of course going to continue it. :D Read and Review! READ AND REVIEW! It makes me write faster and more better. :D Tell me what you want out of this story so I can know and make it better. Yeah, and for your information, in case you were wondering (why you would do that, I don't know) about the girls name... Keilah... it means 'aggressive' and 'lively'. Wonderful choice for her personality, if you ask me. I'll try to develop it further as soon as possible, but the next chapter is gonna be totally dedicated to Bakura's visit with the psychiatrist so you'll have to wait. :P Wahaha. Well, hope you enjoyed the long chapter. :D 


	5. The Shrink

**CHAPTER FIVE! Whoo, I finally got around to doing this. BEAR WITH ME, SCHOOL IS OVERWHELMING! :D Okay. Yeah.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. Nope. Never have, never will... well, if I can bribe Takahashi -- okay nevermind I'll never own it.   
  
Okay: Screw the romance thing I started with Malik. I want this to be purely humor. Yeah. *sniffles* I'm sorry Malik for making you get molested by some little preteen girl and scarring you for life. Okay, on with the story! Oh, and if you dislike Tea bashing... there's gonna be a nice amount of it in this fic. By the way: ANZU TOTALLY ROCKS. Tea is stupid though, but I gave Tea the name "anzu" in this because Tea is a drink. :P Yeah. Anyway. I'm confusing. Read on.  
  
& Next Morning &  
  
Both Bakura and Ryou were awake, and fighting over who got the first cup of coffee. Ryou argued that he deserved it since he payed for it, and Bakura... well Bakura said that if he didn't get the first cup, Ryou would be stuffed into the broom closet and not let out until Bakura felt like letting him out.  
  
"Bakura. I payed for the coffee, I payed for the machine, AND I pay for this house! I could kick you out any time I wanted to!"  
  
"Yes but if you did I would have to send you to the Shadow Realm. And then it really wouldn't matter."  
  
"How would you pay rent?!"  
  
"I'd steal the money!"  
  
"You have no idea how to work the coffee maker."  
  
"So? I can learn. I know they have directions somewhere."  
  
"I'll burn the directions!"  
  
"Then I'll send you to the Shadow Realm!"  
  
"DOESN'T MATTER CUZ YOU STILL WON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK THE COFFEE POT!"  
  
"THEN I'LL BUY A NEW ONE AND USE THOSE INSTRUCTIONS!"  
  
"I'LL BURN THOSE INSTRUCTIONS TOO!"  
  
"YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU'LL BE IN THE SHADOW REALM, BAKA!"  
  
"I'LL HAVE PHAROAH BRING ME BACK EVERY TIME YOU GET NEW INSTRUCTIONS!"  
  
"I'LL HIDE THE INSTRUCTIONS IN MY BOXERS SO YOU CAN'T GET AT THEM!"  
  
"Bakura... that... that was too much information."  
  
"Sorry. Shall we continue?"  
  
"My throat hurts from yelling too much. Just give me the first cup and we'll be fine."  
  
"No. I want it."  
  
And so the argument started again, and lasted for about two hours before they realized they were late for Bakura's appointment with the psychiatrist.  
  
"SHIT!" Ryou yelled, running up to his room to get ready. Bakura giggled.  
  
"Ryou swore! Naughty boy!" He yelled tauntingly to Ryou.  
  
&Ten Minutes Later&  
  
Ryou and Bakura raced out of the house and to the subway station, Bakura still giggling. They arrived at the psychiatrist's office 20 minutes late. They walked into the the building and to the front desk.  
  
"Um... miss?" Ryou said.  
  
"Hello. My name is Miss Lenara. How may I help you?"  
  
"Bakura is here for his appointment with the psychiatrist."  
  
"Bakura who."  
  
"Bakura... him." Ryou said, pointing to his taller look-alike.  
  
"What's his surname."  
  
"Um... well... Bakura."  
  
"So it's Bakura Bakura?"  
  
"Well..." The secretary sighed and rolled her eyes.  
  
"What did you register him as?"  
  
"Oh. Yami Bakura."  
  
"Right." The secretary said, typing something up on her computer. "You're late."  
  
"We're aware of that. We had... transportation troubles." Which was entirely untrue, but Ryou needed an excuse.  
  
"Ms. Mazaki will be with you as soon as possible. Please have a seat." The secretary said, pointing to a comfy looking leather sofa. Bakura and Ryou sat down and started a whispered conversation.  
  
"Ryou... is Mazaki a popular surname?"  
  
"I don't know, Bakura, why?"  
  
"Anzu."  
  
"Bakura, I doubt it's her. You don't have to worry."  
  
"It better not be her. I can't stand her stupi--"  
  
"Ms. Mazaki is ready for you. Yami Bakura, you may take the elevator to floor five. Her room is in the left hallway, room 304."  
  
"Um... Miss... Lenana... can Ryou come with me?"  
  
"It's LenaRA. With an R, and no he cannot."  
  
"Right, Miss Banana. At least to the door? I'm not good with directions."  
  
"LENARA. And NO, HE CANNOT. Only patients are allowed to the higher levels."  
  
"But Miss Fantana... please?"  
  
"IT'S MISS LENARA! NO HE CANNOT!"  
  
"Please, Miss Bunina?" Ryou could tell Bakura was enjoying this, even if he wasn't smiling. Ms. Lenara looked as if she was going to explode. She ran a hand through her straight hair, and straightened her rather crisp looking suit.  
  
"Fine. Fine. Go. Just... go."  
  
"Thank you... uh..."  
  
"Miss. Victoria. Lenara."  
  
"Yes. Thank you..." Bakura paused, thinking of yet another way to twist the secretary's name, "Bricky Banana." He swooshed past her desk and to the elevator.  
  
"Ryou, come, I have an appointment!"  
  
"Yes Bakura!" As they entered the elevator, they could hear the secretary cursing them.  
  
&Outside the Office&  
  
Ryou knocked softly, and the door opened.  
  
"Please come in, Bakura." A soft voice said. Bakura and Ryou walked in together, and Bakura blanched. It was her... that wretched, evil, disgusting beast whom they called... Anzu Mazaki! "It's nice to see you again, Ryou, Bakura! I haven't seen you in so long, and your phone is disconnected! Did you know? How come you haven't called on Jou or Yuugi's phones? I missed you guys. You do know that friendship is the secret of life. Nobody can be truly happy without friends. Friends are your support, your reason for living. They're like your second family. No, your first family, they're a part of your first family, a part of your heart and will never be forgotten. One cannot truly begin to live if one has no friends. You do know that, right? We should get together some time and do something! How about tomorrow? You can come see my dance rehersal! You'll love it, I'm sure! Alright then, it's a date? Okay! I'll see you there then! Better yet, I'll pick you up. Where do you live? Oh yeah, I have your address right here. That's funny, you have a different phone number than you did before! When did you move, or when did you get it changed? Why didn't you tell me? Guys? ... Guys? Where are you?"  
  
&Outside the Office. Again&  
  
"We have to get out of here. Now." Ryou said.  
  
"The horror, the horror... you got me an appointment with the devil..." Bakura moaned as he and Ryou ran down the hallway to the elevator, when Ryou bumped into someone.  
  
"Urk... Oooh sorry! I shouldn't have been runn-- FUCK NOT YOU!" Ryou's eyes were wide with horror, while Bakura was standing next to him laughing his ass off.  
  
"Why are you laughing, Bakura..."  
  
"It's funny seeing you fall like that, Marik. So graceful. Why are you here, anyway?"  
  
"Why are YOU here."  
  
"Appointment with the devil."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Ms. Mazaki."  
  
"That wouldn't be... Anzu, would it?"  
  
"'Fraid so, Marik, darling!" Bakura giggled.  
  
"Shit. Not her..."  
  
"Shall we go then?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
&Bakura's House&  
  
Malik had come over and they were all sitting and discussing how to get rid of Anzu Mazaki.  
  
"Stuff her into a closet for forever."  
  
"Poison her."  
  
"Stab her."  
  
"Poke her with cow prods until she screams! WAHAHA!"  
  
"..."  
  
"Er... Bakura."  
  
"GOOD IDEA!"  
  
"Great minds think alike, Marik!" Bakura shouted.  
  
"NOW FOR SOME VODKA!"  
  
"Wheeeeeeee!"  
  
&end of chapter&  
  
I'm depressed. I wanted to update. That explains the lack of humor. Sorry guys... OH AND IF YOU REVIEW I'LL UPDATE FASTER! and maybe make a Christmas scene in which they all get drunk. o_O 


	6. Peanut Butter Fish

Updateyness. I was in a hyper mood so, yeah...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, the song used in this, or Christmas. Or peanut butter.  
  
---  
  
Christmas was about! The season of merriness and mistletoe and presents!  
  
In the livingroom of Ryou Bakura's house, the psychotic yami was decorating, his light running around hurriedly, making sure nothing broke.  
  
"On the first day of Christmas, my hikari gave to me... a turkey in a hair tree! On the second day of Christmas, my hikari gave to me... two hurtle gloves, and a turkey in a rare tree!" Yami Bakura sang enthusiastically, twirling around with the tinsle, simultaneously tangling himself in it.  
  
"Bakura! Stop that! You're going to ruin it, or hurt yourself!" Ryou yelled hysterically, running over to the psychotic spirit, pulling the tinsle away from him. Bakura ignored him and continued skipping around the house, singing his revised edition of the 12 Days of Christmas.  
  
"On the third day of Christmas, my hikari gave to me... three bench pens, two hurtle gloves, and quirky chin the spare pea! On the fourth day of Christmas, my hikari gave to me..." he paused to think for a while, before continuing his corrupt song. "Four falling words, three wench nuns, two hurtle gloves, and quirky chin the spare three!"  
  
"BAKURA! SHUT UP!" Ryou yelled, sitting down on the floor. He leaned against the wall, massaging his temples. "Just... just shut up..."  
  
"Whhhyyy?" Bakura whined, skipping over to Ryou. He grinned and squatted, eyeing Ryou curiously. "Poor little Ryoukins!" Ryou glared, before tilting his head back and banging it against the wall.  
  
"I," Bang. "Hate," Bang. "My," Bang. "LIFE!" He screamed and stood up, fisting his hands in his hair and closing his eyes tight. His eyes shot open as Bakura hugged him, grinning psychotically.  
  
"My poor little Ryoukiiins!" He sang, grabbing Ryou's hands and pulling him along to the Christmas tree, which was put up by Bakura. Unsurprisingly, it was dangerously close to falling over.  
  
"Bakura. Don't touch me. Go... go frost the cookies or something..." he realized what a mistake it probably was to put Bakura in charge of frosting the cookies, but right now, he didn't really care. Bakura grinned and clapped his hands together excitedly before bouncing off into the kitchen. Ryou growled and ran a hand through his hair before pulling a hairband from around his wrist, putting his hair up into a messy ponytail. He adjusted the Christmas tree so that it wasn't dangerously close to falling over and killing someone, and began to decorate it carefully, hoping that Bakura wouldn't come into the livingroom. "I'm cursed," he mumbled, as Bakura skipped back into the livingroom.  
  
"Where's the frosting?"  
  
"In the fridge,"  
  
"Oh. Okay," And Bakura left. Ryou walked over to the livingroom door. He closed and locked it, sighing angrily before walking back over to the tree. He finished decorating it, and walked over to the box with other decorations. When he was satisfied with the livingroom, he unlocked the door and flung himself down onto the couch. Bakura, ecstatic that the door had been unlocked, ran into the room and jumped on top of Ryou. The unlucky boy beneath Bakura squeaked and cracked an eye open to peer at Bakura, annoyed.  
  
"Get off of me,"  
  
"You're comfy,"  
  
"So is that armchair,"  
  
"But it doesn't hug back!"  
  
"Neither do I," Ryou growled, both eyes open, narrowed in a glare.  
  
"True..." Bakura muttered. He paused, tapping a finger against his chin as if he were thinking.  
  
"I don't like that look,"  
  
"PEANUT BUTTER!" Bakura yelled, grinning insanely as he jumped up and darted back into the kitchen.  
  
"...shit. Not again. NO!" Ryou yelled, running after Bakura. But alas, as he arrived at the kitchen, it was too late. Bakura was... he was... what the hell was he DOING? "Bakura...?" he questioned cautiously, grabbing a pan from the counter to defend himself with. Bakura had the container of peanut butter on the table, and he was... spreading it on something. Whenever Ryou tried to look, Bakura shifted so Ryou couldn't see. "What are you doing?!" Ryou asked, voice squeaking a little.  
  
"Nothing, oh dearest Ryou, nothing at all!" His voice was a bit too innocent-sounding, making him more suspicious sounding than he had before. Even though he didn't say anything. Which made Ryou question his OWN sanity. 'Maybe I'm hearing things?!' one of the voices in his head said. 'Nonsense! Of course he's not hearing things! He's just tired,' a second voice said. 'Yeah! And exhausted!' Ryou blinked.  
  
"I'm hearing VOICES!" he yelled suddenly. Bakura blinked and looked over at him, pulling the peanut butter coated fish. Peanut butter coated WHOLE fish, unscaled and uncut, by the tail, off the counter. Ryou glanced at the fish before groaning and fainting onto the floor.  
  
"I wonder what's wrong with him...?" Bakura muttered, glancing at the fish. He shrugged and put the fish on the counter, pulling a stool up and sitting on it. He grabbed a fork and knife and ate it.  
  
---  
  
Er... Bakura's demented. Very demented. I can't believe I actually updated! Yaaaaay! 


End file.
